U.N claims Lady Gaga responsible for mass plant, fauna die-offs



NEW YORK: The United Nations Environmental Program (UNEP) has claimed that pop mega-star Lady Gaga’s music is responsible for mass plant and fauna die-offs.

A spokesperson for the program told reporters in New York that studies had confirmed that plants and animals exposed to the pop singer’s music die within 48 hours.

The UN program found that when exposed to Lady Gaga’s vocal melodies, nearby flora and fauna would experience rapid physical deterioration, resulting in eventual death roughly two days later.

Some scientists involved expressed grave concerns that the pattern has the potential to also effect human life.

“It’s of course possible that this disturbing effect that Ms Germanotta appears to impose on other life could perhaps affect our own,” said Stephen Newland, a scientist working on the program.

The report has sent Lady Gaga’s PR team into sudden damage-control with her manager Troy Carter insisting that the star (who’s real name is Stefani Germanotta) is “incapable of harming plant or animal life.”

“This report is simply impossible to comprehend,” said Carter. “I find the suggestion that musical melodies can kill something absolutely ludicrous, and offensive.”

However one of Lady Gaga’s former managers agreed with the UN report and even went so far as to accuse his former client of “trying to invoke an apocalypse”.

“She was always wanting to use heavy symbolism and subliminal content designed to plant very dangerous messages in the minds of her audience,” he said.

In another dubious development, the United States government this week said it was looking into reports that a new song that Lady Gaga has slated for June 5th this year has the potential to “unite America’s enemies like never before.”

The song, titled Now or never, opens with a military-style drum beat and then explodes into high-energy vocals which compel the “nations forced into the gutter” to “put their money where their mouth is”.

Gaga denies the charge, arguing that the lyrics are harmless.

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