In what has been described as ‘the darkest day’, Russian President Vladimir Putin gave the order today for his country’s nuclear rocket forces to destroy Canada’s capital city, Ottowa.
Up to two million people are believed to have perished in the catastrophic attack, which President Putin said was forced by Canada’s ‘unacceptable refusal to rein in Dayjob Orchestra’, the Canadian group who yesterday released a dubbed video of the Russian President speaking in absurdities.
Last week, an entire division of Russian troops was routed by panda bears toting chain guns, prompting the Russian military to escalate the conflict by considering a nuclear response.
Political analysts believe that Putin’s hand was forced when the long-awaited video “DJO – Stuff We Found On The Roof” aired on YouTube, showing him obsessing over soup, praising metal band Judas Priest and telling reporters that he intimately associated with sea creatures.
“This decision was made with a heavy heart, but it had to be made nonetheless,” Putin told stunned Journalists in Moscow this morning.
Canada has vowed to rebuild Ottowa ‘sometime in the next 5,000 years’ and accelerate its underground apple juice program following military action and sanctions by Russia and its allies.