North Korea’s declaration of war (full text)

 

 

April 1, 2013 – STATEMENT FROM SUPREME COMMAND

 

Having foolishly wandered into the leaping flames of catastrophe, our arch nemesis and its parasite puppets have initiated The Great Apocalypse of Armageddon.

The situation on the Korean Peninsula has now been thrust into total all-out warfare.

Profound saints of the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea, the time is upon us. We must sweep the whole earth of the wicked ones and prevail as unparalleled masters of the galaxy.

Every person, creature and element will behold the terrifying power of the Korean Peoples Army, forged in the stars by Fate itself, to crush the stupid and idiotic maggot-people once and for all.

The glorious winged-messiahs of the invincible Korean Peoples Air Force are also destined to destroy the abhorrent enemy scum’s Satanic sky planes so that the heavens may be cleansed forever.

 

They will bear witness to the indestructible and amazing Korean Peoples Navy, which is blessed by our Heavenly Leader. It will exterminate the seven seas of every enemy vessel, including even plastic buoys.

The whole world will watch helplessly as ninety billion artillery tubes open at once, like deafening roars of the greatest thunder, and rain death upon every target with 1000,000% accuracy.

Our Heavenly Leader will perform magic in honour of His triumphant victory which will be soaked in the tears, anguish and bodily fluids of our eternal nemesis.

If our repulsive enemy, in a bout of suicidal insanity, still wishes to challenge us with sticks and stones,  we will pulverize them repeatedly with blows of thermonuclear agony until not a subatomic particle stirs in their hemisphere.

 

 

Gina Rinehart now “owns rights” to King James Bible

 

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CANBERRA: In a decision set to anger Christians around the world, billionaire mining magnate Gina Rinehart’s bid to own the rights to the King James Bible has been approved by the Supreme Court.

The controversial decision means that Ms Rinehart’s ambition of including a “Liberal dimension” to the books of Luke, Proverbs and Revelations will become a reality.

Earlier this year, an unsuccessful attempt to place a $130 million mining ad in Psalms made news around the world, prompting Pope Benedict XVI to suffer an aneurysm and be hospitalised for three weeks.

A statement by Ms Rinehart’s office welcomed this week’s ruling by the Supreme Court as a “sensible business decision” and encouraged her followers – which include some 150,000 armed mercenaries – to exercise restraint as public anger over the decision swells.

“It’s a mighty good day for the mining companies and subsidiaries of Japan, Malaysia, Singapore, Vietnam, China, and also Australia,” read the statement.

“The Supreme Court’s sensible business decision means that the King James Bible will be enhanced by advertising revenue from our robust industry.”

“We ask at this time that our loyal followers refrain from full scale national insurrection, should any misunderstandings eventuate.” the statement concluded.

Responding to concerns about Ms Rinehart’s designs on turning the Murray River into a private swimming pool for Rio Tinto executives, her spokesperson stressed that it was an “internal matter” for the Rinehart dynasty.

 

Iran, Assad ‘responsible for cyclone’ says Obama

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ALABAMA: The massive cyclone that decimated large swathes of Alabama is the work of the Iranian and Syrian regimes, US President Barack Obama has said.

“This destruction bears the markings of Bashar al-Assad,” said Obama, referring to the Syrian leader. “Iran’s involvement in this cyclone is also clearly instrumental.”

The claim echoes yesterday’s speech by Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu that that president’s Ahmadinejad and Assad are using mother nature against US and Israeli interests worldwide.

Mr Netanyahu, speaking at a strip club in Tel-Aviv with Defence Minister Ehud Barak, warned a Syrian-Iranian asteroid would soon make a close call with the planet.

“As everybody knows, these evil masterminds are currently remotely commandeering an asteroid – built with the help of Hezbollah – to fly past and intimidate our precious planet.”

The Defence Minister’s tone was equally ominous, revealing an alleged Iranian-Syrian plot to use giant mutated earthworms which he said will tunnel into major cities in the West and destroy them.

“They’re real, and the world must act now!” Mr Barak said, jabbing his finger at the camera. “Tomorrow will be too late…the world must strike now, before the world ends!”

It was reported that following the interview, both men left the adult venue laughing and musing over how the consumers of mainstream media would unquestioningly believe what they said.

Earlier today, CNN, FOX, CBS and MSNBC aired the interview and conducted an online poll in which 99% of respondents answered “Yes” to a question asking whether Iran and Syria should be simultaneously destroyed in order to stop the coming asteroid/earthworm apocalypse.

Meanwhile, US President Barack Obama is expected to lead a vigil for the victims of the Iranian-Syrian cyclone attack tonight.

All donations will reportedly go towards arming rebels who are currently trying to topple the democratically elected regime of Evo Morales in Bolivia.

Patrick Stewart ‘honoured’ by Star Trek dub videos

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GLASGOW: Star Trek icon Patrick Stewart told a reporter in Glasgow on Thursday that he was ‘honoured’ to have been the subject of overdubs in satire videos on YouTube.

Canadian band and prolific voice-over artists Dayjob Orchestra have created more than twenty dubbed videos of Star Trek in which Picard and his crew rave about apple juice, Rush and pandas.

“A close friend of showed me one of the videos where I instructed Data to fire apples at an IRS building,” Mr Stewart mused. “I couldn’t stop laughing. In fact, I’m honoured they went through this effort!”

The videos on the band’s site have received more than ten million views collectively and even caught the attention of Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin who last year warned the group not to dub him.

Patrick Stewart’s endorsement also follows many apple juice brands after the incessant mention of the product saw sales quadruple for the financial year 2009-2010.

“All that talk of apple juice actually caused a spike in the product’s sales,” said Jeremy Etherington of Global Juice Consolidated. “These guys in Canada don’t know what they’ve started.”

And that’s not all. Celebrated Rush drummer Neil Peart in January said that the DJO drummer’s prowess on the kit isn’t too far off his own.

“I’ve seen him [Thorne],” said Peart. “He’s pretty damn good…not too far off me, if I can be modest!”

Another video, mocking last May’s royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, was aired on a London billboard recently, stirring a mixed reaction.

In the video, William is shown calling his wife-to-be an “oreo” and casually suggesting that they “start a war”. Some Britons felt it was a betrayal of Canada’s British ties.

“It’s abhorrent to suggest that William is a racist, or a Nazi,” said Beth, a pensioner. “He’s a kind and inspirational gentleman.”

Others brushed it off as the stuff of random satire. “I think it’s great!” said Edward. “These guys are simply calling a spade a spade!”

 

Nuclear war breaks out, Reserve Bank keeps interest rate at 4.25 per cent

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SYDNEY: The Reserve Bank has kept the official interest rate on hold at 4.25 per cent, even after thermonuclear war broke out across the world last night.

Reserve Bank chairman Glenn Stevens announced this morning that the 520 million casualties from the initial nuclear exchange had lessened the strain on retail demand.

‘Lower than normal demand as a result of population reduction has led to favourable supply conditions in the market.” said Mr Stevens.

Moscow, Washington D.C, London, Paris and Beijing are reportedly in ruins following the catastrophic tit-for-tat strikes, but Treasurer Wayne Swan played down fears.

“We’re looking at lower travel costs, a stronger Aussie dollar and ultimately smoother operations in the banking sector.”

The hold on interest rates is expected to give home owners a reprieve after a hike of 79% was expected following a small dust storm in Kalgoorlie.

Tomorrow US President Barack Obama is expected to make an address to the nation from a secure bunker in Denver to encourage consumers.

A leaked report from the military suggested that Mr Obama’s biggest focus would be on making sure retail and commodity profits remained high.

Putin sweeps to power in French election

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PARIS:  In a shock result in the French presidential polls, Russia’s Vladimir Putin astounded political pundits by capturing 97.5 per cent of the national vote in a country he doesn’t represent.

Nicholas Sarkozy called the result “insanity” while Socialist Party leader Francois Hollande and National Front firebrand Marine Le Pen resigned in disgust.

“This is insanity, plain and simple,” said Mr Sarkozy, wiping tears of astonishment and anger from his face. “How he came to do this, we don’t know.”

As French election monitors continued to investigate the bizarre twist in the presidential polls, a leading think-tank insisted that the country ‘get over the semantics’ and accept the vote.

Putin appeared humbled as he walked into the French parliament and addressed the nations politicians and lawmakers.

“This is a victory for the French people, and by extention a victory for France,” Putin told the visibly stunned constituents. “Together we will work to reform the system and achieve progress.”

It was reported that upon the broadcasting of the final vote count there was ‘total silence’ in the streets throughout the country.

However, in Paris there were reports of quiet whimpering and audible gasps while in Bordeaux and Toulouse people could be seen jumping off buildings.

Police responded to several incidents of suicide in and around the city of Strasbourg, alarming the Mayor who called it “a logical reaction” to the news of Putin’s overwhelming victory.

Vladimir Putin’s party will now make up all but three seats in the 577 seat French national assembly.

US President Barack Obama told reporters that he was ‘confused’ but confirmed that he would call the president-elect soon to extend his best wishes.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel could not be reached for comment. Earlier in the day an aide to Mrs Merkel suggested that she had taken a personal leave of absence.

‘Clown rebellion’ panics leaders, circuses targeted

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BN-REPORT: Up to 11,000 are feared dead and up to 50,000 missing across North America and Europe after a catastrophic escalation of the global clown rebellion.

Thursday’s clown strike, which began in Ottowa before spreading to London and Paris, worsened dramatically last night after the military began targeting circuses and arresting carnival staff.

Clowns armed with make-shift spears, motorized scooters and tennis ball machines stormed multiple cities, inflicting heavy damage and torching government buildings.

It was confirmed today that Martial Law has now been declared in the United States, Canada, Mexico, Britain, France, Belgium and Turkey.

Jerry Zekowicz, the self-proclaimed “leader” of the Global Clown Rebellion (GCR) said that the violence would continue until all clowns and other carnival staff were provided “national autodetermination”.

When asked where, Jekowicz reportedly “demanded” Bulgaria and 270km of territory inside neighbouring Romania, ending at the border of the city of Gorj.

Police have been searching for Jekowicz for nearly seven months, having initially issued a warrant for his arrest over the sinking of three police patrol boats off the coast of South Africa.

The elusive clown rebel is now wanted for inciting the recent spate of riots that have caused the UN General Assembly to issue an international persona non-grata status for all clowns.

US President Barack Obama called the violence “totally unacceptable” and called upon leaders worldwide to shut down circuses and arrest carnival staff on sight.

In France, President Nicholas Sarkozy issued a “shoot to kill” order last night after it was reported that Paris was under seige and may fall to the rebellious circus folk by morning.

In a heated parliamentary exchange, the British House of Commons debated whether or not to follow Mr Sarkozy’s policy of zero-tolerance, with some even calling for “clownicide”.

 

 

Putin wins 108% of vote in presidential poll

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MOSCOW: Vladimir Putin has denied allegations of vote rigging following his landslide victory in the country’s presidential elections.

Putin captured 108% of the vote, immediately drawing scepticism both within Russia and from around the world.

Gennady Zyuganov, chairman of the Communist party, demanded a recount after the official results were broadcast on the country’s eight television networks, all of which are owned by Putin personally.

“How can a candidate recieve more than 100% of the vote?” asked a furious Zyuganov. “The idea that 100% of the vote can be won at all is absurd.”

The leader of the Liberal Democratic Party of Russia (LDPR) took to the rooftop of the Kremlin in a dramatic pitch to disgruntled voters, pleading for their conscience.

“We all know that Putin was born by a jackal in the Armenian forests and is not human, but must you have your very intelligence insulted?” he cried.

“This vote proves that his spies put mind-control drugs in our snow.”

United Russia’s media spokesperson told Western reporters that allegations of vote rigging were unfounded, adding that Putin’s landslide victory was proof that he had a “strong mandate”.

“These allegations against the president are untrue,” said the spokesperson, being held at gunpoint by a man wearing a ski mask and brandishing an automatic weapon.

“The vote proves that Putin is the only man capable of running Russia.”

Putin arrived in his birth place of St Petersburg to tense-looking supporters, who were surrounded by tank turrets and men on horses holding tasers.

In his six-hour speech, Putin outlined his United Russia party’s vision for the next 650 years, which he called ‘crucial for Russia’s stability’.

Reports from a civilian think-tank suggested that improved technology in the field of genetics would make it possible for Putin to serve 150 consecutive terms as president.

Putin, already undoing stem-cell injection therapies designed to restore physical vitality, hinted at this on Tuesday when he told reporters that he “felt like a twenty year old”.

Opponents of Putin’s twelve-year reign said they were “terrified” at the prospect of an additional  900 years under the man they call “Stalin version 2.0″.

“We’re all very terrified,” said Oleg Raspov, a retiree from Moscow. “The technology that will allow him to do this is not inconcievable, and I do not doubt that he will use it.”

Facebook: publishing military secrets “no big deal”

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SEATTLE: In a landmark court case, social networking giant Facebook is being investigated for openly publishing delicate US military secrets and photos of classified forward bases around the world.

Facebook has defended the action, saying that the terms and conditions of access to the networking application clearly state that all material posted within it can be used by the company.

“It is there in black and white,” said a spokesman acting on behalf of the company. “To be on the site at all, users must accept the terms and conditions, and that’s what has been done in this case.”

“The publishing of this information is really no big deal,” he said.

However, the US military is reportedly in damage-control as it assesses how to contain the intelligence fallout that has resulted from the posting of the information.

Up to 830,000 classified photographs of top-secret installations in three different continents were posted on the site, followed by videos, documents and in one case, a top General’s personal information.

When it became apparent that the secrecy of the information had been compromised, two ballistic missile submarines in the Baltic Sea were put on red alert after Russian attack subs began tracking them.

The incident almost led to armed conflict but was averted after a radar malfunction inside both of Russian submarines, which consequently lost the location of the American vessels.

Earlier today, a statement by Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg insisted that Facebook was innocent and that information sharing should not be deemed a crime.

“Facebook categorically rejects the charges against it and wishes to remind all internal and external stakeholders involved that nothing wrong has been done.” read the statement.

 

 

Sandilands let off with a warning after nuke blast

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New York: Australian radio DJ Kyle Sandilands will not face punishment for detonating a nuclear weapon in the New Zealand city of Christchurch, the UN has controversially agreed.

Australia, New Zealand and Papua New Guinea had demanded Mr Sandilands be severely punished for last month’s ‘unthinkable’ terrorist attack on the city of Christchuch in which 117,000 people died.

However, the UN General Assembly refused to put the matter to a vote, instead issuing a mere word of caution to Mr Sandilands to “moderate his behaviour”.

Foriegn Minister Kevin Rudd denounced the UN’s reprieve for the shock jock radio host as “morally disgusting” and demanded the Security Council decide on immediate military action.

Prime Minister Julia Gillard was visibly furious when she spoke to the media earlier today, telling reporters that she agreed with Mr Rudd and that Mr Sandilands had “gotten away with genocide”.

“The position that the UN has taken in response to Kylie Sandilands is not only wrong, it is condoning nuclear terrorism. As far as the government is concerned, Mr Sandilands has gotten away with genocide.”

Although both the Labor and Liberal parties share one another’s anger, both refuse to take action of their own.

Speaking at a press conference today, deputy Prime Minister Wayne Swan downplayed suggestions that the government arrest the shock jock upon his return from London this weekend.

“I think it’s premature to start talking about things like that,” Mr Swan said. “We’re not going to take any direct action against Mr Sandilands, that’s just not on the table at this time.”